[ help how did we not have a catchall before this. ANYWAY. we're in the rec room today! ichiban is kind of just fiddling around with his d&d character sheet and various lorebooks when sora walks in—once he sees her, he puts down his pencil and raises a hand in a casual wave. ]
I think you overestimate how earnestly people would do it.
[It's true the majority wouldn't just...walk away, but in her opinion, very few would help gladly. Many would do it simply because it's what's expected]
[ there's a moment where he pauses, simply looking at sora like he's trying to look for the words... eventually, he just shakes his head and asks pretty straightforwardly: ]
Listen, Jingu-san, I gotta know—I know it's not something easy to talk about, but... what went down that night, with Tem and Necchan? From your point of view.
I have no problem talking about it. But surely you'll understand it won't be a pretty tale.
[......]
...I haven't talked to anyone about it since I explained things during the trial, in the Helly Belly. Don't mind if I ramble, no?
[She's not sorry about her actions because she sees them as justified, logically speaking...given how things were like for her back then. But nowadays she does regret it all ended up like that. In the end there's no way to deny that all that happened can be summarized in a nutshell as 'Sora Jingu once again loses her marbles and everyone almost pays for it once again']
[Sora sits down, taking in one hand anything she can get her hands on, just to keep her hands busy. Now, where to start...]
From the beginning. You know I'm not human. I'm a Daemon. A Monark, highest rank possible. No matter how much of a human I look, I'll never be one. Humans with strong Egos and knowledge of occultism can get in touch with us and make pacts to gain powers. The parts of their souls that hold those desires are called...Ideals.
[Her item from home]
The pact I was in was like nothing I had dealt before. I had...a lot of love for my Pactbearer. It's no exaggeration, I loved him. [Started as merely doing her job, then it became a tremendous fixation and obsession, and in the end it was love for him] I became Sora Jingu for him, according to his desire.
Not long before I was dragged here to the Eudora, he was mortally wounded. I couldn't think straight from that moment on. I...took his heart and soul, and held it within myself. And I tried to take everything he loved, because it felt right to have it all with him. The son we adopted, the students and faculty of the academy, I absorbed it all within myself, holding it all safe.
When I woke up here at the Eudora, I felt it all was still within my soul, and the Ideal, what little was left of the human I had been with, was here too. I couldn't think of anything except protecting it. All of you, the Eudora, and everything, meant nothing. The pact, my Pactbearer, my identity as Sora Jingu, and everything I had taken within myself, that was all that mattered. I had no space in my head for anything else.
So you tell me how I'd handle being here in constant danger.
["Sora Jingu" was a ticking timebomb from Day 1. It was only matter of time before she'd blow up -- and it didn't help that, in her madness even innocuous things were inflated into veritable threats. She liked Yuri a lot, but Yuri once almost hit her in the face with a tablet and right then and there Sora decided Yuri had to die. She had gone out of her way for Eunhyuk and helped him, but he asked about her item from home in the first trial, and Sora decided Eunhyuk had to die.
And Throné...]
Throné is the one who made me realize how defenseless I was, with no powers and no way to keep myself safe. With everything at stake, I decided: what's the best way to ensure no threat can reach me? Especially since during the week so many of you saw the secrets, saw what I was, and I was compelled to reveal to you all where the Ideal was at, making you all imminent dangers to it?
Get rid of the threats first, obviously. So I decided to kill all of you. That night that's what I planned to do.
[Sora lets that hang in the air]
But it failed. When I tried with some of you, it didn't work. Throné was awake, though, and she saw me making an attempt on Temenos while he slept. I decided to go after her because in the end what did the order matter? She was awake, meaning she'd be able to die. She'd disappear first, and later I'd deal with the rest of you no matter how long it took. That, and I...did hold a grudge at her. For showing me even some random human could make me feel cornered.
I went after her with full intent, and made sure she knew it. All threats had to disappear, for the sake of everything I was clinging to.
[Ugly confession, but in the end...targeting Throné was more because she was the only one awake, but that doesn't remove that she did intend to murder everybody, and actually gave it an honest attempt]
You know how that went. I failed at killing her because in the end I'm not fit for fighting like a human -- and then Throné destroyed the Ideal I had tried to protect. When I woke up in the Helly Belly, it was all gone. Everyone I held within me, any desire to be with the Pactbearer, and my identity as Sora Jingu...it had all disappeared. I was just myself. I felt I could finally breathe. I didn't even hold a grudge towards anyone anymore because why to do that? After all, there was no point in that anymore. So I just decided to start from zero and see where things go.
[She shrugs]
That's all, Ichiban. Was it really worth asking? It's not as if it changes anything.
[ and—to no one's surprise—he means that. at no point does he give sora anything less than his full attention, instead listening to her each and every word with careful thought and consideration. ]
I'm gonna be straight up with you, because you were honest with me—after Necchan told me what happened, I sort of resented you. I couldn't understand why you would have made the decision to attack either her or Tem. And... obviously, I still have a lot of questions, but I don't expect an answer for any of 'em. There's nothing to gain from asking them other than you suffering and reliving the past, and I don't want that. Not after everything you've already gone through.
[ he leans forward, regarding her with equal parts understanding and austerity. ]
Your whole idea of making the ultimate sacrifice in order to save your loved one? I get it, legitimately. Hell, I respect it, for the most part, 'cause I've been in similar situations where I would've risked it all for my old man. But the moment you decided to play judge, jury, and executioner? That was the moment you doomed yourself. No one gets to decide how anyone else gets to live their life. After all, whether you're human or daemon or whatever the hell else—that's the one thing we've all got that is and always be ours, right?
Nah, Jingu-san. The only question I really want you to answer is... you really mean that? Starting over from zero?
[It's completely unsurprising to her that she was resented. Even now she still is, by many, and she can't say it's undeserved, really]
...I guess part of me knew it. I did go to Temenos to try to see if there was any guidance to get me out of that. It didn't really work -- and in the end I had plenty of chances to stop. Going after Throné with a gun and attacking her with as many shards of glass I could get my hands onto and all...I had plenty of chances until the moment she stabbed me in the neck with scissors.
[Because she was unwilling to change her mind, really. In the end she did drive herself to her own doom.
Now,that final question gets a shrug from her]
I don't think I'm capable of feeling real remorse...but I want to see this all through to the end. Not really for myself because I can't die forever and I'm pretty much immune to anything that might happen. [Especially with her powers back] I just decided there are many here I'd like not to see fall to this thing, so I'm trying to help where I can. That counts as starting over, no?
[At least as much as a Monark like her is capable of. It's impossible she'll ever have the same level of morality and decency humans do, but at least she's trying to do the 'camaraderie' part]
You said you loved your...Pactbearer, right? If you know those feelings of yours were—are real, who's to say you can't feel other things for real, too?
[...she has to admit Ichiban isn't exactly wrong. The mad obsession she used to feel has simmered down to genuine affection. She knows that's real. So maybe the rest is real too. There's a lot she has dismissed about feelings towards people in the Eudora because it's hard to see herself having such things. Emotional intelligence is not her thing at all]
I doubt that, but I suppose I can't just ignore it.
[She chuckles]
Still, you don't want me to get busy sitting around thinking about that all week, do you? There's a planet-wide lotus cult to deal with. There's no time to contemplate this.
[Pondering her capacity for things like remorse and if she can have healthy positive relationships and everything will take her ages, probably literal]
Oh, don't get me wrong—I wasn't trying to give you a crisis about accepting your humanity and the whole spectrum of emotions or anything like that.
I was just saying more, like... maybe feel a little bad about the way things went down, get kind of angry about shit being fucked, channel that rage into fucking the flesh monster up, then figure out what your feelings mean to you after all that? Y'know, baby steps?
[Sora stares at Ichiban for a moment and then laughs. It's...not really like the chuckling she tended to do, it's far more open than that.
Takes a few seconds to stop laughing]
There's something about the way you put that that's a little endearing.
[Baby steps, huh....she nods]
I'll try. Despite everything, I did use to protect the human realm where I'm from. I'll just...try to put some feeling into this one, for once. For the bunch here I'd like not to see fall.
[Less 'I do it because it's what it's expected from me' and more 'I'll do it because I want to', even though she still has to grapple with a whole lot of things she doesn't understand yet, emotionally]
[ hearing sora laugh with genuine amusement gets him to grin back at her as the tension leaves his body, leaving him to settle back and relax. that familiar warmth returns to his face as his eyes crinkle at the corners, flashing his teeth in a wide smile. ]
...I mean it, Jingu-san. S'long as you're serious about starting over from the bottom and working your way back up to become someone you're proud to be—someone who'd be proud to meet your Pactbearer in the next life—then you'll always have one person willing to back you up. I wanna see you become a better you.
Fine. I'll do it so your time talking today wasn't wasted.
[She had just come to put a word of thanks since she hadn't done it before, and somehow it went in a way that seems to have motivated her to try in a more earnest manner. It's...well, humanity is interesting. She can't deny that]
Wanna know a secret? No matter how this went down, I wouldn't have thought of it as a waste. I shot my shot, you know? I can't control how other people are gonna react or what they'll do. If they agree with me, awesome! If they don't... well, all I can do is my best.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
w6, saturday
Ah, uh... hey, Jingu-san. Welcome back.
no subject
[She really has become far less stiff after a stint in graveyard]
I never thanked you for...carrying me back after that trip under the sandy planet's trade routes, did I?
[Probably said a word or two back then, but never really a true 'hey thanks ichiban']
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[It's true the majority wouldn't just...walk away, but in her opinion, very few would help gladly. Many would do it simply because it's what's expected]
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[ there's a moment where he pauses, simply looking at sora like he's trying to look for the words... eventually, he just shakes his head and asks pretty straightforwardly: ]
Listen, Jingu-san, I gotta know—I know it's not something easy to talk about, but... what went down that night, with Tem and Necchan? From your point of view.
no subject
[......]
...I haven't talked to anyone about it since I explained things during the trial, in the Helly Belly. Don't mind if I ramble, no?
[She's not sorry about her actions because she sees them as justified, logically speaking...given how things were like for her back then. But nowadays she does regret it all ended up like that. In the end there's no way to deny that all that happened can be summarized in a nutshell as 'Sora Jingu once again loses her marbles and everyone almost pays for it once again']
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[ there's a wry smile on his face as he leans back in his chair. ]
I'm not judging, I promise—I just wanna hear things from the other side of the equation. Lay it on me.
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[Sora sits down, taking in one hand anything she can get her hands on, just to keep her hands busy. Now, where to start...]
From the beginning. You know I'm not human. I'm a Daemon. A Monark, highest rank possible. No matter how much of a human I look, I'll never be one. Humans with strong Egos and knowledge of occultism can get in touch with us and make pacts to gain powers. The parts of their souls that hold those desires are called...Ideals.
[Her item from home]
The pact I was in was like nothing I had dealt before. I had...a lot of love for my Pactbearer. It's no exaggeration, I loved him. [Started as merely doing her job, then it became a tremendous fixation and obsession, and in the end it was love for him] I became Sora Jingu for him, according to his desire.
Not long before I was dragged here to the Eudora, he was mortally wounded. I couldn't think straight from that moment on. I...took his heart and soul, and held it within myself. And I tried to take everything he loved, because it felt right to have it all with him. The son we adopted, the students and faculty of the academy, I absorbed it all within myself, holding it all safe.
When I woke up here at the Eudora, I felt it all was still within my soul, and the Ideal, what little was left of the human I had been with, was here too. I couldn't think of anything except protecting it. All of you, the Eudora, and everything, meant nothing. The pact, my Pactbearer, my identity as Sora Jingu, and everything I had taken within myself, that was all that mattered. I had no space in my head for anything else.
So you tell me how I'd handle being here in constant danger.
["Sora Jingu" was a ticking timebomb from Day 1. It was only matter of time before she'd blow up -- and it didn't help that, in her madness even innocuous things were inflated into veritable threats. She liked Yuri a lot, but Yuri once almost hit her in the face with a tablet and right then and there Sora decided Yuri had to die. She had gone out of her way for Eunhyuk and helped him, but he asked about her item from home in the first trial, and Sora decided Eunhyuk had to die.
And Throné...]
Throné is the one who made me realize how defenseless I was, with no powers and no way to keep myself safe. With everything at stake, I decided: what's the best way to ensure no threat can reach me? Especially since during the week so many of you saw the secrets, saw what I was, and I was compelled to reveal to you all where the Ideal was at, making you all imminent dangers to it?
Get rid of the threats first, obviously. So I decided to kill all of you. That night that's what I planned to do.
[Sora lets that hang in the air]
But it failed. When I tried with some of you, it didn't work. Throné was awake, though, and she saw me making an attempt on Temenos while he slept. I decided to go after her because in the end what did the order matter? She was awake, meaning she'd be able to die. She'd disappear first, and later I'd deal with the rest of you no matter how long it took. That, and I...did hold a grudge at her. For showing me even some random human could make me feel cornered.
I went after her with full intent, and made sure she knew it. All threats had to disappear, for the sake of everything I was clinging to.
[Ugly confession, but in the end...targeting Throné was more because she was the only one awake, but that doesn't remove that she did intend to murder everybody, and actually gave it an honest attempt]
You know how that went. I failed at killing her because in the end I'm not fit for fighting like a human -- and then Throné destroyed the Ideal I had tried to protect. When I woke up in the Helly Belly, it was all gone. Everyone I held within me, any desire to be with the Pactbearer, and my identity as Sora Jingu...it had all disappeared. I was just myself. I felt I could finally breathe. I didn't even hold a grudge towards anyone anymore because why to do that? After all, there was no point in that anymore. So I just decided to start from zero and see where things go.
[She shrugs]
That's all, Ichiban. Was it really worth asking? It's not as if it changes anything.
no subject
[ and—to no one's surprise—he means that. at no point does he give sora anything less than his full attention, instead listening to her each and every word with careful thought and consideration. ]
I'm gonna be straight up with you, because you were honest with me—after Necchan told me what happened, I sort of resented you. I couldn't understand why you would have made the decision to attack either her or Tem. And... obviously, I still have a lot of questions, but I don't expect an answer for any of 'em. There's nothing to gain from asking them other than you suffering and reliving the past, and I don't want that. Not after everything you've already gone through.
[ he leans forward, regarding her with equal parts understanding and austerity. ]
Your whole idea of making the ultimate sacrifice in order to save your loved one? I get it, legitimately. Hell, I respect it, for the most part, 'cause I've been in similar situations where I would've risked it all for my old man. But the moment you decided to play judge, jury, and executioner? That was the moment you doomed yourself. No one gets to decide how anyone else gets to live their life. After all, whether you're human or daemon or whatever the hell else—that's the one thing we've all got that is and always be ours, right?
Nah, Jingu-san. The only question I really want you to answer is... you really mean that? Starting over from zero?
no subject
...I guess part of me knew it. I did go to Temenos to try to see if there was any guidance to get me out of that. It didn't really work -- and in the end I had plenty of chances to stop. Going after Throné with a gun and attacking her with as many shards of glass I could get my hands onto and all...I had plenty of chances until the moment she stabbed me in the neck with scissors.
[Because she was unwilling to change her mind, really. In the end she did drive herself to her own doom.
Now,that final question gets a shrug from her]
I don't think I'm capable of feeling real remorse...but I want to see this all through to the end. Not really for myself because I can't die forever and I'm pretty much immune to anything that might happen. [Especially with her powers back] I just decided there are many here I'd like not to see fall to this thing, so I'm trying to help where I can. That counts as starting over, no?
[At least as much as a Monark like her is capable of. It's impossible she'll ever have the same level of morality and decency humans do, but at least she's trying to do the 'camaraderie' part]
no subject
You said you loved your...Pactbearer, right? If you know those feelings of yours were—are real, who's to say you can't feel other things for real, too?
no subject
I doubt that, but I suppose I can't just ignore it.
[She chuckles]
Still, you don't want me to get busy sitting around thinking about that all week, do you? There's a planet-wide lotus cult to deal with. There's no time to contemplate this.
[Pondering her capacity for things like remorse and if she can have healthy positive relationships and everything will take her ages, probably literal]
no subject
I was just saying more, like... maybe feel a little bad about the way things went down, get kind of angry about shit being fucked, channel that rage into fucking the flesh monster up, then figure out what your feelings mean to you after all that? Y'know, baby steps?
no subject
Takes a few seconds to stop laughing]
There's something about the way you put that that's a little endearing.
[Baby steps, huh....she nods]
I'll try. Despite everything, I did use to protect the human realm where I'm from. I'll just...try to put some feeling into this one, for once. For the bunch here I'd like not to see fall.
[Less 'I do it because it's what it's expected from me' and more 'I'll do it because I want to', even though she still has to grapple with a whole lot of things she doesn't understand yet, emotionally]
no subject
[ hearing sora laugh with genuine amusement gets him to grin back at her as the tension leaves his body, leaving him to settle back and relax. that familiar warmth returns to his face as his eyes crinkle at the corners, flashing his teeth in a wide smile. ]
...I mean it, Jingu-san. S'long as you're serious about starting over from the bottom and working your way back up to become someone you're proud to be—someone who'd be proud to meet your Pactbearer in the next life—then you'll always have one person willing to back you up. I wanna see you become a better you.
no subject
[She had just come to put a word of thanks since she hadn't done it before, and somehow it went in a way that seems to have motivated her to try in a more earnest manner. It's...well, humanity is interesting. She can't deny that]
no subject