[Because she was unwilling to change her mind, really. In the end she did drive herself to her own doom.
Now,that final question gets a shrug from her]
I don't think I'm capable of feeling real remorse...but I want to see this all through to the end. Not really for myself because I can't die forever and I'm pretty much immune to anything that might happen. [Especially with her powers back] I just decided there are many here I'd like not to see fall to this thing, so I'm trying to help where I can. That counts as starting over, no?
[At least as much as a Monark like her is capable of. It's impossible she'll ever have the same level of morality and decency humans do, but at least she's trying to do the 'camaraderie' part]
You said you loved your...Pactbearer, right? If you know those feelings of yours were—are real, who's to say you can't feel other things for real, too?
[...she has to admit Ichiban isn't exactly wrong. The mad obsession she used to feel has simmered down to genuine affection. She knows that's real. So maybe the rest is real too. There's a lot she has dismissed about feelings towards people in the Eudora because it's hard to see herself having such things. Emotional intelligence is not her thing at all]
I doubt that, but I suppose I can't just ignore it.
[She chuckles]
Still, you don't want me to get busy sitting around thinking about that all week, do you? There's a planet-wide lotus cult to deal with. There's no time to contemplate this.
[Pondering her capacity for things like remorse and if she can have healthy positive relationships and everything will take her ages, probably literal]
Oh, don't get me wrong—I wasn't trying to give you a crisis about accepting your humanity and the whole spectrum of emotions or anything like that.
I was just saying more, like... maybe feel a little bad about the way things went down, get kind of angry about shit being fucked, channel that rage into fucking the flesh monster up, then figure out what your feelings mean to you after all that? Y'know, baby steps?
[Sora stares at Ichiban for a moment and then laughs. It's...not really like the chuckling she tended to do, it's far more open than that.
Takes a few seconds to stop laughing]
There's something about the way you put that that's a little endearing.
[Baby steps, huh....she nods]
I'll try. Despite everything, I did use to protect the human realm where I'm from. I'll just...try to put some feeling into this one, for once. For the bunch here I'd like not to see fall.
[Less 'I do it because it's what it's expected from me' and more 'I'll do it because I want to', even though she still has to grapple with a whole lot of things she doesn't understand yet, emotionally]
[ hearing sora laugh with genuine amusement gets him to grin back at her as the tension leaves his body, leaving him to settle back and relax. that familiar warmth returns to his face as his eyes crinkle at the corners, flashing his teeth in a wide smile. ]
...I mean it, Jingu-san. S'long as you're serious about starting over from the bottom and working your way back up to become someone you're proud to be—someone who'd be proud to meet your Pactbearer in the next life—then you'll always have one person willing to back you up. I wanna see you become a better you.
Fine. I'll do it so your time talking today wasn't wasted.
[She had just come to put a word of thanks since she hadn't done it before, and somehow it went in a way that seems to have motivated her to try in a more earnest manner. It's...well, humanity is interesting. She can't deny that]
Wanna know a secret? No matter how this went down, I wouldn't have thought of it as a waste. I shot my shot, you know? I can't control how other people are gonna react or what they'll do. If they agree with me, awesome! If they don't... well, all I can do is my best.
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...I guess part of me knew it. I did go to Temenos to try to see if there was any guidance to get me out of that. It didn't really work -- and in the end I had plenty of chances to stop. Going after Throné with a gun and attacking her with as many shards of glass I could get my hands onto and all...I had plenty of chances until the moment she stabbed me in the neck with scissors.
[Because she was unwilling to change her mind, really. In the end she did drive herself to her own doom.
Now,that final question gets a shrug from her]
I don't think I'm capable of feeling real remorse...but I want to see this all through to the end. Not really for myself because I can't die forever and I'm pretty much immune to anything that might happen. [Especially with her powers back] I just decided there are many here I'd like not to see fall to this thing, so I'm trying to help where I can. That counts as starting over, no?
[At least as much as a Monark like her is capable of. It's impossible she'll ever have the same level of morality and decency humans do, but at least she's trying to do the 'camaraderie' part]
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You said you loved your...Pactbearer, right? If you know those feelings of yours were—are real, who's to say you can't feel other things for real, too?
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I doubt that, but I suppose I can't just ignore it.
[She chuckles]
Still, you don't want me to get busy sitting around thinking about that all week, do you? There's a planet-wide lotus cult to deal with. There's no time to contemplate this.
[Pondering her capacity for things like remorse and if she can have healthy positive relationships and everything will take her ages, probably literal]
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I was just saying more, like... maybe feel a little bad about the way things went down, get kind of angry about shit being fucked, channel that rage into fucking the flesh monster up, then figure out what your feelings mean to you after all that? Y'know, baby steps?
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Takes a few seconds to stop laughing]
There's something about the way you put that that's a little endearing.
[Baby steps, huh....she nods]
I'll try. Despite everything, I did use to protect the human realm where I'm from. I'll just...try to put some feeling into this one, for once. For the bunch here I'd like not to see fall.
[Less 'I do it because it's what it's expected from me' and more 'I'll do it because I want to', even though she still has to grapple with a whole lot of things she doesn't understand yet, emotionally]
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[ hearing sora laugh with genuine amusement gets him to grin back at her as the tension leaves his body, leaving him to settle back and relax. that familiar warmth returns to his face as his eyes crinkle at the corners, flashing his teeth in a wide smile. ]
...I mean it, Jingu-san. S'long as you're serious about starting over from the bottom and working your way back up to become someone you're proud to be—someone who'd be proud to meet your Pactbearer in the next life—then you'll always have one person willing to back you up. I wanna see you become a better you.
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[She had just come to put a word of thanks since she hadn't done it before, and somehow it went in a way that seems to have motivated her to try in a more earnest manner. It's...well, humanity is interesting. She can't deny that]
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